Church attendance~ reasonable or controlling

[cclord]

Hi
I am the parent of 4 children, 2 of them adults (14 and 17, 21 and 23)
The 23 yo son now states he is an theist after being a committed Christian and pursuing the Lord with passion. At 19 yo and in university setting (Engineering School) decided he no longer believed in God. We went through the process of asking and answering his questions but knew he would have to decide for himself.

 We have said that the standard in our family is to go to church- out of respect he attends when he is home.
Our third son (senior in high school) says he does not want any deeper relationship with the Lord and does not want to talk about what his concerns are or questions are and does not have time to go to church. We have taken the stance that as parents part of our parenting responsibility is to provide the opportunity for him to learn about the Lord and fellowship with other Christians . We have offered the option that if he prefers to attend another church or youth group that he can do that instead of our church. This stopped the arguments and he continues to join us at church.

Is it reasonable to expect our kids while at home to attend church each week with us?
thank you very much

[Philomena]

Up to a certain age I think yes.  I think from about 16 they are virtually adults and will not appreciate being controlled (when do they ever?).  We have allowed our eldest to opt out of attending church and youth group for the time being as we want to convey to them that we respect thier choices and as with everything else, they will expereince the consequences.  The stakes feel very high with this issue but we can pray.  I feel this one is between them and God and we have to stand back.  Our child felt so relieved when we allowed them to make this choice, not so much because they didn't have to go to church anymore but because they felt heard and respected by us and and our relationship is all the better for it.

[Krista]

Philomena is right.
We need to remember that our kids are very powerful people in this relationship that they are in with us and us with them. and that they need to have to some degree a say so, expecially when they are teens.
I think it's vitally important that we remember as parents that our kids having a relationship outside of the church is more important than having one inside the church.  Church is great, but if the kid goes home and isn't pursuing God, something's wrong.

I have a 15, 18, and 20 year old.
The 20 year old doesn't live with us, and when she stays the night I do not expect her to come to church with us. That would be controlling.  You cannot control a 20 year old, or for that matter any adult.
Our 18 year old still lives at home and goes on her own when she wants to lead in youth group.
Our 15 year old loves church, but I do not force him to go.

One question I have is how are you strengthening your family as a unit and as individuals outside the church to pursue God during the week your not at church? 

[Andrea]

I do think you can make it a rule, but I think it should only be to a certain point. I would say when they graduate from high school it is a good time to let them decide because at that point they are already making all kinds of other life-changing decisions. However, while they are still in high school I think giving them options will be helpful. I think it is great that you have allowed your son to choose the church he wants to attend  . If it has stopped the arguments and he goes with you, he is deciding that on his own. If he starts complaining, let him know the offer still stands for him to go to another church or service. Teenagers like to feel like adults and know they are deciding for themselves, so giving them as many options as you can will be very rewarding for them.

I also think that if he has questions or concerns about his faith it means he isn’t sure what he believes. This can be good because then he hasn’t totally shut off the idea of believing in God . Teenagers often don’t want to talk to their parents about things, they like to be as independent as they can. Is there a close family friend, someone in the church or even a role model in his life that he could talk to? I would really encourage this because you want him to get his questions answered so he isn’t left wondering.

[Kings Daughter]

As a parent of 4 kids all over 17 this is a subject I have been challenged by. I recently put my 19 year old on every prayer chain I could think of....He invited his un saved Dad and I too church with him when he was graduating from boot camp...Of course we went! Mark 11:23
Blessings
MF